A New Poem and A Revision

This first poem, “Untitled”, is a revision of the same poem, which was posted in an earlier post titled A Taste of That Angst. I cut out lines that I thought were awkward or too personal–a problem that is often cited by critics. Let me know what you think. Does it enhance the feeling of the poem? Does it damage it? Which version do you prefer?

Untitled 

my body is a vessel for misery
i hold sadness in my bones
and pain in my lower back;
i search for balance
like the scales that are my birthright,
or the push and pull
of the ocean tides
listen
to the saddest notes
the natural world has to offer

my body is the basin of the
deepest sea,
where darkness and
ugliness lie,
intricacy and complication
and things that should not exist,
like thorns and spikes and spires
that protect matter of such a
fragile beauty
like a thin skeleton
or a soft, pulsing heart

my body is heavy like a rain cloud
full of dark, crackling tension
and sparks
so unpredictable
when
will
I
strike
or where will my rain fall
in heavy droplets
covering barren and parched ground,
too much,
so that it saturates and drowns
all innocence, all living
but what is innocent on this
darkening plain
from up in the sky
all looks so small
but
I am you
and so I weep
and ache from feeling all too much

my body is a vessel for misery
I hold sadness deep in my bones
and anguish in my lower back

 

Womanhood

Swollen,
tender,
I feel my
own womanhood
rise and
fall–
an influx and
outflow
I cling to
the differing labors,
the biweekly seasons:
flowers and
peaches and
rot,
which run through
my tree–
each season I feel
and give it
my own
infinity,
and then the leaves
fall
or the trunk
swells
and winds feel both
too swift
and
too soon.

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